Only my heart

So many things are racing through my mind as we enter the Holy Easter weekend. In no particular order…

• I am crippled every year by the month of April. It holds hard memories of the last hospitalization, last days, last conversations, last breath. We spoke to Bill the last time in the afternoon of Easter Sunday, 1990, so each year, both Easter and April 15 are pretty hard for us.
• Right this minute, people I care for are going through a real rough patch. It could be made a little less painful by the others involved, but my loved ones are rallying and showing enormous strength and resilience. On the other hand, sadness, frustration, and anger take turns showing up in my soul and, when I’m at my worst, they all come at once and it’s not pretty.
• I’m discouraged that the greatness to which our nation seems to be aspiring is not merciful, humble, or attractive by any measure I know. The greed, self-centeredness, and self-promotion we are witnessing and displaying is shameful.
• I feel guilty every year when I don’t go to our Good Friday service. I wish I had more backbone or endurance. But I can’t — I just can’t sit through a message or video or reenactment or even dramatic audio clips of the crucifixion. It’s the ultimate reminder of man’s inhumanity to man. I cannot bear it.
• I see no future in my writing. I don’t mean I wish I had a crystal ball or an agent. I just cannot focus on the direction I should go or the choices I should make. Make no mistake, however. I know this is all me. I’m not blaming God – or anyone else, for that matter – for my lack of peace. I know I need to recalibrate and stiff-arm whatever fear or distractions are keeping me unsettled.
• And then there’s all of this and more…
  • The global refugee crisis and the slow emergency of famine.
  • Gun violence in every corner of the country.
  • The disenfranchised, homeless, and aged, unprotected and frail.
  • Man’s persistent inhumanity to man – young girls stolen, people brutalized for their faith, untethered bullies of all ages and professions, and mean-spirited “unsociable” media.

Not a very hopeful look at the world, is it? Not a very inspiring approach to the victorious culmination of the Christmas Story, when Jesus came as a human baby to live among us. When God gave All to win us back.

So, today, my lovelies, there is no good golly. There are no clever words of what might be wisdom or silliness. Today, I pray to put aside the hard memories and current frustrations, the national crises, the personal weaknesses and distractions, and the world-wide mess we have created.

Today, I share only my own heart for Jesus.

Today and tomorrow and Easter Sunday are only and completely about Jesus and His love for us. I know some of you are mad at Him or done with those who claim to be His followers. You may have good reason, and you are definitely in good company.

The Kingdom of God has been smeared by the pride and selfishness of many who call themselves Christians. And I don’t set myself apart. What I have done, whether in ignorance or in belligerence, is what I have done. I can only apologize, hope to someday restore or make right, and look to a better future.

But today and tomorrow and Easter Sunday, I beg you, please don’t look around you and find reasons to walk away from Jesus.

Instead, I beg you, please, look up and find the reason to walk toward Him.

There’s nothing more important. Walk toward Him.

And if you feel lost, call me. Text me. Message me. Find me. I’ll help you. I promise.

Have a lovely, blessed Holy Easter weekend. Love to you all…

Nancy